trigger warning- before you watch, I warn you. this is infuriating and heartbreaking. and may be triggering. if you feel triggered, don’t forget to take care of yourself, go to your designated safe place, write in your journal, take deep breaths, call a friend, etc.
I could only watch this twice. At first I was angry. very angry. Angry about a couple of things:
1. The fact that he is pressuring a 15-year-old to have sex. black men are already hyper sexualized in our media/society.
2. The fact that he is glorifying sexual abuse- a painful, traumatic experience, that for many of us, has had lasting emotional effects.
3. The fact that the woman in question was probably equally as traumatized and coerced; being pressured by that many men, probably there all alone. sounds very unsafe for her too. in the clip, lil’ wayne says “i was in the kitchen, i was scared, and there was like this many n’s in there too” the room he’s in has about 7 people in that room when he’s talking! and so, 7 men force her to perform oral sex…sounds like was sexually assaulted too. I realize that she may never call it that. but now that it’s on tape…she could. and depending on how old she was (she may not have even been a legal adult), and statute of limitations, she may even be able to press charges- if she wanted to (not that I’m advocating that).
However, recognizing the specific barriers that men often face in dealing with sexual abuse, around disclosing abuse, masculinity, etc. I tapped in to my hidden compassion reserve, and felt some sympathy. let me explain. I recognize that there’s this very common myth, that young men should want to have sex, and it’s cool to be “seduced” by an older woman. and while he’s not calling it abuse, it is, and probably has had a huge impact on him. “to be used as a sexual object by a more powerful person, male or female, is always abusive and often damaging.”
also, it’s really common for male and female survivors to not called what happened “rape.” there’s so much shame and stigma around rape, that people are often afraid to label it. and, by calling it rape, one also has to acknowledge that it was traumatic, that they were victimized, that power (about something we should all have control over- what happens to our bodies) was taken away. and all the powerlessness, blame, and shame that comes with that. and all the healing that comes after. sometimes it’s easier to just ignore it, or call it “bad sex,” “sex I didn’t really want,” or “initiation.” Helps folks regain a sense of control in a situation that makes one feel very out of control.
he was 1. forced/pressured/coerced by older men to have sex when he may not have been ready, 2. by a somewhat older (we presume) woman, who should also have known better but perhaps also was in danger (gang rape, men pressuring her to perform sexual acts). that is abuse. if it had been the other way around, for most, it would be very clear that it was abusive.
I can’t even imagine how that affects interactions with women. the message that this experience gives is: if you want something, you can have it. even if you take it without permission. 2. it’s ok to force/pressure someone into sex. 3. to never let a woman be more powerful than me again, I may have to use violence. he even equated the feelings he had about the experience to killing five people. it was violent. whether he explicitly says that or not.
he’s a survivor of trauma. 1 in 6 men are.
so, how do we continue to undo the damage that has been done by gender stereotypes around child sexual abuse?
I am very fond of your hidden compassion reserve, and grateful for it. Your thoughts and perspectives are informative on a number of levels.
It also occurs to me, if I understand what he said correctly (and I was only able to watch it once), he labels the event as not only one that changed his life, but when he took on his nickname – how he now entirely identifies himself publicly. That, to me, is a powerful statement about how much it affected him.
Very troubling but that’s the life of a young black man from the hood. Not every young black man but a lot of them. They have very twisted ideas of manhood, women and life in general. I see it everyday in Bed-Stuy. They talk the same kinda of s#it, like from the clip, on the streets with no regard or respect of any other person. I’m afraid we might of lost an entire generation.
great post…
first thing is to talk about it, which is definitely happening as this video makes the rounds. i haven’t seen a brotha’s perspective yet, but would love to.
this puts me in mind of how so much abuse in the black community gets labeled “that’s life” or is dismissed with a “you aight”. meanwhile folks are walking around broken and in pain for years, wondering why things just aren’t working out.
I think besides the psychological trauma and the individual psychology of the actors in this case, we have to look at the pathology of this behavior when it comes to this segment of our community. When people have no hope, no ownership, no sense of power, we tend to want to concentrate our behavior on what we do have power over. Sadly, for many black, inner city, urban, perhaps also white, rural folk, the only thing these people have power over is their bodies. When one feels powerful in this respect and no other, they tend to wield it, oftentimes unfortunately, often, indiscriminately, and recklessly. It’s that feeling of oppression plus that false sense of power that exacerbates the problem. Our children are negotiating with their bodies at a much younger age than others because they’re failing in school, not being properly supervised or getting the attention they need at home, and their identities have been defined by the mass media which says, you’re oversexed and irresponsible savages. It’s all very sad and as you pointed out, it perpetuates itself over and over in the way these boys are taught to view women (as tools) and women feel coerced (either physically or emotionally) to participate in this. Sadly, any solutions to this dont seem readily identifiable and the ones that exist are difficult to implement. All i have to say is God help us all.
Great post my sister!
i am speechless. Speechless. I hadn’t seen this video although I’m sure it has been around the world already (and I am about to toss it to the Bad Black Girls over in the Common Room for critical feedback) but I’m just speechless.
Because all I keep thinking is when it is this deep–what do you do?
Keep writing and loving.