TRIGGER WARNING!

[for discussion of sexual violence, body shame and self-harm].

i have been sitting with the fact that it is sexual assault awareness month for days. seventeen of them to be exact.  it’s not that i’d forgotten. after years of doing anti-violence work, SAAM is practically omnipresent. i didn’t forget about SAAM at all, nor was i completely ignoring it. instead, i’ve been thinking about how to talk about violence in a way that is new and maybe, for myself, i wanted to think about ways to talk about violence that weren’t so painful, and triggering. i haven’t come up with it yet. i don’t know if there are ways to describe sexual violence that aren’t, like violence, invasive, hurtful and traumatic. i’ve been triggered quite a bit lately. my heart feels like it’s on empathy overload. lots of tears, accompanied by flashbacks, and nightmares. my inner child is screaming for love, affection, and physical and emotional safety in a world that rarely feels safe. so i wrote my inner child a letter, to remind her that i am listening.

dear alicia,

it’s your eighth birthday.  you are spending it in your room writing stories, drawing pictures and humming to yourself. you often write stories about your abuse. you already know that what is happening is wrong, even though you don’t have the words yet. you are so smart. mijita, don’t be so hard on yourself. i can’t pinpoint when this started for you— you are the oldest child, and a virgo. i’m not sure how much of this influences your desire to be perfect, but i promise, you are perfect, right now.

i’m so sorry that you didn’t get the love and support you needed. i am so sorry that you aren’t and weren’t safe in your home. i’m sorry that you were constantly told you were bad, and dirty, and believed it. you did everything you could to be good. did you know that? did you know that you were and still are good?

i want you to know that what he did was bad. you did your best to protect yourself, and you shouldn’t have had to. you were so young. you didn’t do anything wrong. and you didn’t do anything to deserve it. it must have been so hard to laugh, and trust, even though you were being hurt in your own chaotic home. you are so brave to keep laughing. you were always so imaginative, and smart. i admire that about you. i’m sorry that no matter how many times you tried to tell your story in your own way, no one heard you. i’m sorry that when you overdosed on pills, or started cutting, that no one paid attention to what you needed. i’m sorry you went hungry so many nights, trying to change your body from the body that was abused into a new body you could live with. i’m sorry that you felt the need to pour yourself into everything you did, perfectly, so that you disappeared into perfection and goodness. you don’t have to do anything to be good. you already are. that was not the only way to be seen. i see you now.

i know that sometimes, people scare you. especially when you have never been kept safe by anyone but yourself. i’m sorry you had to do it all alone. but i’m here. and i’m listening to you. no matter how many people didn’t hear you, abandoned you, neglected or abused you in the past, know that you are safe now. and i will never leave you. i promise to be a good listener for you. i promise to trust and hear you when you are afraid. and when you are bursting with joy and laughter, i promise to hear that too. because i love you and you deserve love, safety, and happiness.

you can stop blaming yourself now.

i love you.

you are loved.